When “I Don’t Know” Shows Up

Tending Thinking During Testing Season

As we move deeper into this stretch of the school year, what can sometimes feel like the long march toward testing season, I want to encourage you with something small that can make a very big difference and is easily incorporated into your busy life.

One phrase we hear and one you probably hear at home as well, is: “I don’t know.” Most of the time, that response is completely honest. In that moment, your child may truly feel stuck. The pressure builds, the spotlight feels bright, and their brain simply pauses. Sometimes they have lost their train of thought. Other times they genuinely have no idea where to begin.

This is where we practice an important shift with our students. Instead of focusing on what they do not know, we gently redirect by asking, “Okay… but what do you know?”

That small change can make a powerful difference. When we focus on what a child does not know, frustration tends to grow. But when we focus on what they do know, thinking begins again. When thinking is present, growth can happen. We are not forcing blooms before their time, but we are tending the soil so growth has the opportunity to occur. And more often than not, something has already been planted in their mind, their heart, or both.

In real life, this can look very simple. A student might say, “I don’t know what six times seven is.” Instead of immediately giving the answer, we might respond, “What do you know? Do you know six times five?” When the student says yes and identifies that six times five equals thirty, we then guide them forward: “Great. Let’s count up by six two more times.” In that moment, we are not rescuing them. We are coaching them. We are sharing our thinking process so they learn another way to approach a challenge.

The same principle applies in reading and writing. A child might say, “I don’t know how to spell that word.” Instead of providing the spelling, we ask, “What do you know?” The student might respond, “It has two syllables,” or “It starts with the /sp/ sound.” Suddenly the brain is activated again. Effort is happening. Confidence has space to grow, even if the final spelling is not completely correct today. The thinking process matters far more than the immediate product.

We also teach our students a helpful guideline: if you cannot retrieve an answer within three to five seconds, it is time to use a strategy. It is not time to shut down. It is not time to sit in frustration. It is not time to say, “I can’t.” Instead, it is time to do something different. This is where gentle encouragement and intentional push come together.

This season of the school year requires both gentleness and growth. Children can be mentally fatigued during testing season. They may feel comparison or pressure, and many adults feel those same things as well. Tone matters. Safety matters. At the same time, growth rarely happens in comfort alone. We do ask our students to think. We do wait. We do require effort. And sometimes we circle back when they try to avoid the challenge.

Good gardeners do not yell at seeds. But they also do not stop watering them. They do not dig them up daily to check if they are growing. Instead, they stay steady and faithful in the process.

When your child says, “I don’t know” at home, you might try responding with gentle prompts such as, “Tell me one thing you do know,” “What’s the first small step?” “What strategy could help here?” or “Let’s think out loud together.” If they resist thinking, it is okay to calmly say, “I know this feels hard. I’m going to give you a minute, and then we’re going to try again.” You might also begin modeling the thinking process yourself by saying, “Let’s start with…” and sharing how you would approach the problem.

Parenting is not about perfection. There will be moments when you are tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed. If you lose your patience after trying to shepherd your child through an “I don’t know” moment, growth for us as parents can look like apologizing and explaining that we are frustrated too. Taking a break and returning to the moment shows our children what repair looks like and reminds them that we are human as well. Often, what we do after the meltdown matters far more than the fact that we lost our cool in the first place.

Testing season can sometimes feel like harvest time, when results are expected and performance is measured. But many of our children are still in the stage of growing deep roots. The goal is not simply correct answers on a test. The deeper goal is raising independent thinkers who know what to do when they do not know.

These skills extend far beyond academics. They are the skills children will need to face challenges, solve problems, and navigate the complexities of life as they grow into adulthood. That kind of growth lasts much longer than any single test score.

Thank you for partnering with us in reinforcing this mindset at home. Together we are cultivating resilience, confidence, and thoughtful problem solvers who will carry these skills into every area of their lives.